Thursday, March 10, 2011

Recently Recents.

(Took this with my phone right now and I liked it.)

I haven't blogged in approx. 3 months. Not because I haven't had things to say, more because I am just hella lazy.

And I have discovered that my type A personality is best organized in bullets and numbers. So here is an update, for those of you who have missed my ramblings.

What I am learning in friendships:
They are hard. Friendships are wavering. They can hurt and they aren't forever. Here is the thing I have had my share of wavering friends. I have had some that have ended because we both sucked at keeping in touch, or went on our own ways and never made the effort. I have had some end because something somewhere became too much for either one of us, so we bailed on each other, in the hard moment, didn't fight for it, or didn't see the worth. And then there are the ones that some kind of conflict occurred and afterwards there was no recovery, no reconciliation. That last one...well that last one can be pretty heartbreaking. I've been on the other end of friendships that somewhere in there I made a mistake and when things got hard, I got ditched. That feeling sucks, it's hard, I have felt disposable, I have felt worthless, I've downright felt like a really miserable person that no one really loved when they saw that I was messy and dirty, not perfect, and had issues. Honestly, those were the my mess.....where I needed those people to stick by me, wipe the dirt off my face and say "I love you anyways." But that's been a rare occurrence and it's caused a lot of calluses around my heart. Those moments have been my crutch when I say "I don't trust people, because when you do you just get hurt." I've leaned on that more than I did on my faith and the promise that God could heal me from it. But about a year ago, Jesus told me He would guard my heart and protect it, and that if I trusted Him, than it wasn't my job to try and do it myself. So He sent me some really beautiful people around that time, to test me, to sharpen me, to challenge me, to love me. These people taught me things about myself, helped me to trust, and opened my heart to friendship, and made me believe that it was good and fun and that the person I am, right now, could be loved...not just by people who "had" to love me (Josh and my family). But that is is quite possible that I could have friends who love me for who I am, scars, stains, mistakes and all. And it made me want to love them the same, it made me want to love people the same.
Those past broken relationships left scars on my heart, it will always hurt a little I think, but man, the love I have felt and feel and get to share with others, it's never felt so freeing. Friendship is scary, it's not certain and there is risk. But I am learning to not hold back on loving people, because people are worth it, and you know what? I am worth it too. I am not disposable. I am worth getting to know.

What I am learning in marriage:
To thank God. To praise Him. To thank Him for my husband and to praise Him for where He has brought Josh and I. We haven't had the easiest of times. The past few years have been so damn rough but so incredibly beautiful. I have cried and weeped before God to take me out of our marriage and I have cried and weeped these past few months thanking Him that He didn't. He never gave up on us, He always knew who we could be together, He ALWAYS had a plan. And my husband, he is my gosh dang hero. I have never had more love in my heart for him, I have never longed more in my soul for fellowship with him. He is perfect to me, even in his flaws, because Josh is God's son, made in His image, on the same journey as I am, and I am honored, so honored I GET to be married to such a man. Josh is kind, patient, not easily angered, he forgives me, he rejoices in good things with me, he trusts me, he protects me, he isn't rude or selfish, and he believes and hopes in Jesus. And Jesus NEVER fails.

What I am learning from Jesus:
That hanging out with Him makes you healthy, balanced, and makes you realize how blessed you are. That when you pray for a "Faith like Job's" He is going to give it to you. (So be careful) That Gospel music, as cheesy as it can be can make you cry. That His words bring life to my thirsty soul. That His timing can heal. That suffering is a part of life on earth and experience really does make you more wise. That I am not worthy, but I have worth.

I suppose that is all for now. I hope you read this and didn't just get offended that I said a few cuss words. And I hope you know that Jesus is working in your life too. You have worth.

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